There are so many people in the world who do not understand what a good, kind, helpful, well-meaning country the U.S. is. Which is a way of saying there’s no shortage of haters out there!
They hate our freedoms, our democracy, our commitment to justice and human rights.
Thus, it’s no surprise that America is under constant attack by malicious actors, ruthless scum who want to destroy what has become the great beacon of hope for humankind.
There are no shortage of enemies from the outside.
But the frightening truth is, we citizens have to constantly be on guard for enemies from within as well.
The good news is that we have the best security agencies on the planet and they know about everything going on everywhere, thanks to tens of thousands of “guardian angels”, special agents with headphones and high-res monitors, who monitor our emails, phone calls, browser habits, social interactions both online and in person. No one is getting away with anything!
And boy, do they ever get the job done!
Just recently, a nefarious cabal of sick, sinister cultural terrorists were exposed for what they are and the havoc they were wreaking across our great nation. Targeting children and anyone with a sweet tooth — which I believe would be just about everyone — with their stealthy, toxic messaging, these emissaries of cultural and political filth have been apprehended and properly eliminated.
You probably know who I’m talking about. Yes . . . the M&M SPOKESCANDIES!
It’s hard to believe these subversive malcontents flew under the radar for so long. It’s also hard to estimate how much damage they did over the years, twisting the minds and distorting the reality of American citizens young and old. Oh, how clever they were, disguised as charming little candies, all cute and sweet. It doesn’t get any underhanded than that!
But all is well that ends well. How sweet it is to know that the homeland has been secured, the rapturous purity of American culture restored, and these existential menaces apprehended and taken out of circulation. Despite vaguely-worded announcements from Mars, Incorporated, the company responsible for manufacturing and distributing M&M candies for seven decades, it’s clear that the M&M spokescandies are history. Good riddance, troublemakers!
Their replacement by a universally-loved cultural icon, a lady who is funny and nurturing, and most important of all, a loyal American to the core, is a happy ending to a potentially catastrophic story.
The new M&M spokesperson is none other than actress, comedian, singer, and true patriot, Maya Rudolph.
This historic announcement coincided with her debut commercial, featured at Super Bowl 23.
If this doesn’t herald a fresh start and a new age for our country, I don’t know what does.
There’s nothing that can’t be accomplished when a great people has a clear vision, solid values, a historical mission, and a deep understanding why it is superior to all other nations, and thus destined to lead humanity toward the best of all possible worlds. Occasionally we Americans get off track and let diabolical culprits like the M&M spokescandies slip into the room. But we also know how to show them the door.
God bless America!
