I thought Facebook was a wasteland. Then I discovered Twitter.I'm now at over 7,000 tweets and I can't say anything much in my life has changed, except I'm a little older, and perhaps more convinced that the human race is irreversibly beyond redemption. It's increasingly evident that it's just a matter of time before we are overwhelmed by our own irrelevance and dissipate like cigarette ash in a typhoon.
But this is the time of the year to gaze back with weepy sentimentality and try to milk the last twelve months for everything good and wonderful. Thus I will try to look on the bright side of the hundreds of hours I've spent trying to be clever and witty, in order to attract the attention of the ADHD Twitter community.
Not that this justifies the enormous squander, or represents anything like a reward for all of this pointless effort, I will say I have mastered the art of the text bite. After spending all of my life aspiring to both a deep appreciation of and a level of adroitness with my mother tongue, I have traitorously spurned the English language as a tool for profundity, majesty, nuance, beauty, splendor, power, discovery, insight, grace, and learned to say something -- albeit of highly dubious value -- using only 140 characters. I don't know if I should weep and hang my head in shame, or puff up my chest, hook my thumbs in my imaginary blue suspenders, and smile like I've just found out that Hillary Clinton is a man, as I've been saying all along.
Whatever the case, some of my 140 character compositions have done better than others. 'Done' means gained acceptance, even acclaim. So here, based on how many times they were "retweeted" or "favorited", are some of the more popular verbal excretions that I spewed into the swirling torrent of Twitter burble over the past year.
PHILOSOPHY, CREATIVITY AND RANDOM HUMOR
To be stupid is forgivable because it's genetic.
To be ignorant is unforgivable because it's self-inflicted.
There are many roads to the truth but they all end up in the same place.
A candid look at a day in the life of a writer. http://jdrachel.com/?p=5728
Creating memorable characters. http://jdrachel.com/?p=5765
Writing poetry. http://jdrachel.com/?p=5797
Canadians are scary! http://jdrachel.com/?p=927
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx
POLITICS
Rationalization is the evil step-brother of rationality.
These arrived without my consulting a burning bush. http://jdrachel.com/?p=5679
Broccoli Is Free Speech and Tractors Are Persons. http://jdrachel.com/?p=4135
From Bill To Hillary With Love http://jdrachel.com/?p=4942
"THE MAN WHO LOVED TOO MUCH"
The boycott of my new novel is a 100% success.
Eat your heart out Marcel Proust. Bleccch!
No one drowns or is decapitated.
No diseased spider monkeys.
In this novel, S&M is a thrift store.
Water boarding is not surfing.
No can of beer left behind.
Detroit…where attitude means survival.
Stoicism is not the same as a coma.
No vampire breath spores.
No faeries or zombie debutantes.
No injectable transgendering nano-robots.
No neural-net proto-spiders from outer space.
No secret covens of neo-Nazi Wiccan cheerleaders.
No self-assembling world-destroying kitchen appliances.
No Angelina Jolie doppelgängers.
I actually thought my book was a pile of garbage.
What is it about men? What is it about women?
"11 - 11 - 11"
I write trivial garbage to clutter the world with nonsense,
Makes great kindling for your Kindle!
Great deal! Only .00001031 cents per word! Less than the price of one of Kim Kardashian’s brain cells.
Unclutter your mind. Pulp fiction as a brain laxative.
"12 - 12 - 12"
If I get 1,000,000 likes for my video, I win a lifetime supply of kettle corn!
If I get 1,000,000 likes for my video I win two front row seats at a Carly Rae Jepsen concert!
Life is what you make it, with what you can manage to borrow.
Coming to a bathroom wall near you.
"BLINDERS KEEPERS"
Everything makes sense except when it doesn’t.
Even when the cookie crumbles, you can still eat the crumbs.
"Blinders Keepers" is to politics what macrame is to string theory.
The greatest work of literature since Valley of the Dolls!
"AN UNLIKELY TRUTH"
There is strength in numbers and only weakness in apathy.
Blessed are the blissfully blank.
The fool hears silence where the wise man beholds the roar of an epiphany.
This
is the stuff people thought was worthy of the 7 milliseconds of the
time it took for them to point and click their approval? Granted, some
of it is cute.
And, like a little kid standing on the coffee table in the living room dancing and mugging in a frenetic attempt to get everyone's attention, I appreciate any pleasant nod in my direction.
But I've arrived at a profound epiphany in terms of social media.
I just don't get it.
[ This originated at the author's personal website . . . http://jdrachel.com ]
Squeak . . . woof . . . meow . . . tweet
