Stealing My Thunder | John Rachel

Mysterious “hut” recently photographed by the Chinese Lunar Rover.

I go out of my way to keep my readers and loyal fans ahead of the news, 1) by not just regurgitating the usual stuff that passes for BREAKING NEWS, garbage that mysteriously keeps “breaking” for months on end with panel discussions and tedious updates; and 2) by always providing accurate stories and insights that sometimes takes years for the typical mainstream media outlets to finally get right.

So I’m frankly getting tired of media outlets “scooping” my stories.

A truly aggravating example is the photo at the top of this page.

“A lunar rover has spotted a strange cube-shaped object and will alter its official course to check it out, needing 2-3 months to arrive.”

“The Chinese Yutu 2 lunar rover spotted a bizarre shape in its cameras while traversing a C-shape enclosure made up of ferocious impact craters on the moon’s far side.”

“The drivers zoomed in on the pictures, slowly admiring them one by one. Suddenly, an obtrusive cube on the northern skyline attracted their attention. This object pierced through the winding of the skyline, like a ‘mysterious hut’.”

Those comments are from an article about this under-whelming breakthrough in lunar exploration, on a site called Good News Network. It should be called Old News Network.

Not only is this amazing new discovery old news, but to put it mildly, it’s less than spectacular. What are we looking at here? A blurry photo taken with a camera with vaseline on the lens, pointed by robotic command from 240,000 miles away, probably using a refurbished Dell computer running Windows 95. You know how primitive those Chinese scientists are, still doing critical calculations with an abacus.

More to the point, why is this new news? Because over a year ago, I provided this photo.

You can’t help but notice the stark difference in the quality of the images. My sources are GOOD! And reliable! This incredible shot was posted by a dance team I follow on TikTok, and they’ve become an invaluable source of “hot off the press” information for me.

They also alerted me to the dangers of eating GMO-laced products, especially junk food and quick-and-easy meals like TV dinners and instant ramen. Here is the photo of a young man whose mother lived on Macaroni & Cheese In-A-Box for her entire pregnancy.

The point is, if you want to know what’s really going on in the world, you know who to turn to.

If on the other hand, you prefer getting compromised, ancient reports of inferior quality and dubious merit, just keep looking to the usual suspects: New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Bloomberg, CNN, Washington Post, Rachel Maddow, and the Good News Network.

OMG!

Just got a desktop alert about a talking zebra in the Amsterdam Zoo that channels Jesus.

Gotta go!

[ This originated at the author's personal website . . . https://jdrachel.com ]

Stealing My Thunder | John Rachel

Trump Makes Russian the Official Language of the U.S.

In a surprise move that caught just about everyone flat-footed, President Donald Trump by executive order today made Russian the official language of the United States of America.

Trump came out of the box swinging.  When a reporter yelled out a question to him on the 7th hole at the Trump International Golf Course, the president appeared very excited and wasn't going to take any crap from anyone about his controversial decision.

"I promised jobs, didn't I?  Well, we've got a helluva lot of signs to replace.  Also a lot of smart phones.  The Russian alphabet is in . . . uh . . . acrylic.  It's a whole different deal from our alphabet.  A whole different deal!  But I tell ya, it's great!  Really really great! Gotta say, I can't wait to start Tweeting in Russian!"

 

Of course, this announcement comes on the heels -- just 48 hours -- of another truly extraordinary development, that of Trump's replacement of Nikki Haley with Alex Jones as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. 

With the efficiency that is becoming the hallmark of this administration, the transition was quick.  Literally the following day, Ambassador Jones was seen sitting at a U.N. Security Council session with bottles of his highly-acclaimed Caveman nutritional supplement lined up in front of him, as he read a new U.S.-sponsored resolution proposing that UNESCO, under the auspices of NATO, administer Crimea as a newly-founded leper colony.

Right after Trump signed the executive order mandating the change in the U.S.'s official language, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was interviewed at a charter school volley ball meet she was attending in the Hamptons:  "Well, it's a challenge.  But we're making America great again.  So we've got a handle on it.  Some of my best friends are Russian.  And hey!  Have you ever had a Black Russian?  Come on!  Don't give me that look!  I'm not talking about sex.  I mean the drink.  It's vodka and Kahlúa.  Yum yum!"  Asked about how this might impact her plans for retooling America's educational institutions, she replied:  "Obviously we need some native speakers fluent in Russian.  But we're on top of it.  I was online just this morning and personally hired over forty excellent teachers, so no worries.  I'd say we've got this covered."

 

Among pundits, Rachel Maddow was first in line to lambast Trump's game-changing maneuver.  She called it a cheap Soviet-style stunt to sabotage the important work of Congress.  Under the strict guidelines established by the directive, from now on, all of the business of government -- including any calls for Trump's impeachment -- must be conducted in America's new official language.  Maddow looked into the camera and seething with contempt said, "He knows no one up on Capitol Hill knows any Russian. He and his KGB buddy Putin are behind this treachery . . . having a big laugh at the expense of the American people."

Unfortunately, no one understood a word of her acrimonious rant.  Since Trump's order was already in effect, her entire show was overdubbed in Russian.  No English sub-titles were made available.

What really prompted Trump's bold, unprecedented move?

Of course, there's much speculation.  Hillary Clinton along with the DNC leadership posed under a huge banner that said:  See? We Told You So!  Because it wasn't in Russian, they were promptly arrested and are now awaiting arraignment.

 

Perhaps more reliably, an unnamed source from within the president's most private circles at Mar-a-Lago -- rumor has it that it's an African-American maid named Jemima -- stated that Ivanka Trump had just received a Matryoshka doll from a friend in Russia and was carrying on about the gift:  "Oh daddy!  Isn't this just adorable?  I love everything about Russia!"  President Trump reportedly then smiled, and looking dreamily at her breasts, proudly patted her on the butt and said:  "That's my girl!"

We thus conclude that as with the cruise missile attack on the Al Shayrat air base in Syria, Trump will do anything to keep his daughter happy.  Having everyone in this great nation of ours speaking Russian from now on was just his gift to his precious little daughter.

Ivanka is a Russian name, isn't it?


[ This originated at the author's personal website . . . http://jdrachel.com ]



Trump Makes Russian the Official Language of the U.S.