The Recent Emergence of Human Eyelashes

I believe in seeking the truth. And seeking the truth requires careful observation, collection of all relevant evidence, and a dispassionate, objective evaluation of that evidence, drawing from it an acceptable and incontrovertible conclusion.

For all of my life, I’ve been looking at paintings. The fact is — as boring as this makes me as a person — when I visit a new city, among my first stops is an art gallery.

This means that over the many decades of my life, I’ve viewed thousands of paintings, works of art ranging from centuries past right up until the present.

Only very recently, however, I noticed something which had previously never caught my attention. And while I can’t put an exact date on it, this mind-blowing epiphany is . . .

Until only about 200 years ago, NO ONE HAD EYELASHES!

Go ahead! I challenge you. Find me a painting from the 18th Century or before where a person who either was part of some broader scene or individually featured in a portrait, has eyelashes.

YOU CAN’T!

I don’t see any eyelashes. Do you?

Now the indisputable truth is that until various fanciful post-realism genres — e.g. Impressionism, Expressionism, Surrealism, Fauvism, Cubism — caught hold and laid the visual foundation for the social-political chaos we are now immersed in, artists were meticulous, not to say OCD, about capturing every detail and nuance of the objects and subjects of their paintings.

I’m forced — by my strict adherence to the laws of empiricism and logic — to draw only one conclusion: If people had eyelashes back then, we would see them in the paintings.

Which means, eyelashes are a recent phenomenon, a genetic innovation which burst on the scene, literally thrusting itself suddenly and dramatically into the human genome, only quite recently.

Could I be wrong?

Come on! Rembrandt wasn’t a hack. NO EYELASHES!

Actually, why should we be surprised? Do you think anyone moonwalked before 1932? Is there any evidence of a knock-knock joke that pre-dates Shakespeare? When it comes to humans, it doesn’t necessarily take millennia for big evolutionary leaps to occur.

I’m sure that this “missing eyelash” enigma can be explained with some careful, focused investigation, rigorous research, applying scientific method with precision and a passion for discovering the truth. So here’s my offer: If the National Science Foundation or any other charitable trust is willing to allocate a few million dollars, I’m more than happy to look into this rather curious matter, producing some solid and satisfying answers.

Click here to obtain my PayPal account ID.

[ This originated at the author's personal website . . . https://jdrachel.com ]

The Recent Emergence of Human Eyelashes | John Rachel

Broccoli Is Free Speech and Tractors Are Persons

 

Broccoli farmers celebrated today as the Supreme Court ruled in their favor,
declaring broccoli free speech and the tractors used on their farms to
be persons.

The implications of this controversial ruling are not entirely clear but are expected 
to be far-reaching.

The President has by executive order mandated that all public parking lots
now have a specially designated area next to the already required
handicapped parking zones, giving tractors priority parking.

Voter registration of tractors is expected to begin early next week. This will
heavily weight congressional representation in agricultural states.
With reapportionment, Nebraska and Kansas are expected to send as many
congressman to Washington DC as California and Texas. Pundits and
political analysts are saying this will tilt the House of Representatives even 
more to the right, as tractors tend to lean very conservative. It will also be 
a gigantic boost for proponents of prayer in schools, as most tractors are 
evangelical Christians.

Major banks will be sending out Visa applications to all farm vehicles. They
are leaving it to the vehicles themselves to sort out which fit the strict definition 
of tractor personhood referenced in the Supreme Court decision.

The free speech aspect of the decision is a little more complicated. Now that
broccoli has the same right to expression under the Bill of Rights as
human protoplasmic life forms and corporations, will this affect
placement in grocery store vegetable sections? How exactly will the
voice of broccoli be heard? It's not as if broccoli is all that popular
of a food that it might be used as payment for political favors. A
recent NBC/Times poll among prominent politicians at the national and
state level showed only a 17% approval rating for broccoli. These guys
are not going to be lining up and fighting their way to the front of a
feeding trough full of the green stuff unless it's the more traditional
green stuff of money.

On a more forthright note, a bill has been introduced in Congress, co-sponsored by
several legislators from Wyoming, South Dakota, Minnesota, Georgia, and
Mississippi, declaring broccoli to be the official National Vegetable, joining the 
Bald Eagle as the National Bird and the Oak as the National Tree.

One hotbedof contention which literally taken over the airwaves of talk radio
since the Supreme Court decision, is the question of evolution. There is
a core of fundamentalists in the Deep South who are objecting to the
notion that tractors are a product of the industrial revolution, the
final result of a long progression of increasingly sophisticated
man-made devices. One preacher in Alabama declared, "There's no way
you're gonna tell me that my tractor started as a wheelbarrow, then
magically turned into the fine machine it is today. By golly, I love my
tractor like I love my own children."

As might be expected, now that tractors have been declared persons, there have
already been massive book burnings across America of text books which
portray them as mere agricultural implements.

Moreover, piles of broccoli are now showing up in churches, often right on the
altars in front of the crucifixes. People have reported hearing voices
emanating from the broccoli, offering a message of hope and a promise of
a glorious world in the afterlife.

We should all be grateful that the nine judges sitting on the hallowed highest
court in the land have been instrumental in providing a new positive
direction for a nation that has recently been troubled by so much bad news 
and plagued by divisiveness.

This is surely something we can all get behind.



[ This originated at the author's personal web site . . . http://jdrachel.com ]