Press Release: National Council on Political Correctness

We are overjoyed at our recent success in getting Adventures of Huckleberry Finn banned from a Philadelphia school district. This overrated piece of racist trash by the self-indulgent literary hack, Mark Twain, deserves to be consigned to lining the bottom of a bird cage.

However, we are now privy to additional previously undetected attempts to subvert all of us, particularly the youth of this country, actually recruiting them while they're young and impressionable into the ways of "gay sex" -- though to be quite honest about it we can't figure out how persons of the same gender rubbing their private parts together is in any way joyful.

Look at any biology book. What is the human species called?  Homo sapiens!  Well we really need to ask:  If we're HOMO sapiens, how did there get to be more than 7 billion of us?  The council recently recommended that this term be replaced with hetero sapiens -- as God intended it.

There are related sneak attacks.  How about 'HOMOgeneous'?  Right!  They slipped that in when we weren't looking!  The council is now deciding whether to replace this hideous bit of deviant brainwashing with either 'sameogenous' or 'uniformogeneous'.

It's not just in the classroom that our children are being seduced into the evil cults of buggery and carpet munching.

What do they drink every day during lunch?  HOMOgenized milk!  Can you believe this? These perverts will stop at nothing!  The council recommends replacing this phrase on all labels with the pleasant-sounding and benign 'blendogenized milk'.

This conspiracy has spread like a silent disease through our whole culture.  What about the word 'ANALysis'?  Pretty clever, eh?  The council is in the process of replacing this hideous subversion of God's perfect plan for proper sexual behavior.  Leading the alternative terms currently under consideration are 'examinalysis' and 'cogitalysis'.  We'll keep you posted.

Here's one for the books.  This bit of slime nearly got by us.  What are apartment units which are sold for personal ownership called?  CONDOMiniums!  Can you believe it?

Granted, it's pretty clever.  Now personally, I'm for these fudgepackers covering their junk however they can -- never know who's standing next to you taking a wiz in the public john -- but I sure as heck don't want to be reminded of the sick shenanigans that goes on using these love gloves every time I drive down the street.  Now every time I see one of "those" buildings, I can only picture rooms brimming with gallons of sperm.

There are countless other examples we could share.  This press release, specifically timed for the most sacred holiday season of the year, is just to let all you good, God-fearing folks out there that we are, and certainly will continue to be, on the job stamping out decadence and perversion -- particularly this new trend of "same sex" coupling -- wherever we find it.

Remember . . . PC doesn't just mean Politically Correct.  It also stands for Personal Christ!
God bless you and God bless America!



[ This originated at the author's personal website . . . http://jdrachel.com ]

Press Release: National Council on Political Correctness

Values of the Rich

 

I've always considered it important to thoroughly understand other people, in order at bare minimum to know how to act towards them, but more importantly, to learn to appreciate their values, and see what drives their choices in life.

As a successful blogger __ by golly, I have almost 5,000 Facebook friends! __ many of my closest, most intimate buddies are fabulously wealthy. Predictably, the rich regularly devote the major part of their day to Facebook, and hanging out on other social sites. They don't have to work a real job. They jump online, there's my stunning profile picture, they click 'Add Friend' . . . Bingo! Another billionaire for my growing list of ultra-wealthy connections.

So, despite the holes in my jeans, the t-shirts that I wear __ which look like they've been dragged by an 18-wheeler across twenty-three state lines __ I can offer some very valuable insights into the .01%, the folks who are actually pulling the strings here in America for the puppet show we endearingly call the Land of Opportunity.

The other day I started thinking about the way rich people see the world. I was shocked to realize how much we regular folks have in common with them __ how much the filthy rich value the exact same things we do.

Restraint: The rich are conservative. They are emphatically for restraint! They want us to show restraint so they won't have to. If we regular folks go squandering the nation's wealth on silly and unnecessary frivolities __ like food and clothing, education for our kids, a car which doesn't look like it was in a demolition derby __ there won't be anything left for them to buy a Greek Island or sponsor a coup to overthrow the elected government of a country. And OMG! Have you checked out the price of cosmetic surgery these days? Why, it's simply frightening! Liposuctioning away that unsightly inner tube and getting dermal abrasion from head to toe is cutting deep into the money that was going toward buying those beautiful art works stolen by the Third Reich. How frustrating!

 

Turning the other cheek: The rich definitely believe in turning the other cheek! Let's say there's some homeless bum standing on the curb. What an eyesore! Talk about ruining a nice day, having to look at that. The rich will understandably turn the other cheek, thereby averting their gaze. Now they don't have to look at this poor, hungry slob, who probably was laid off from the factory they shipped to Vietnam. This meets the "letter" of Christ's turn-the-other-cheek mandate, if not strictly His intent. It's all a matter of interpretation anyway. Let the Biblical scholars nitpick the thing to death, if that's what they have to do.

Love thy neighbor as thyself: Absolutely! Of course, they mean their neighbors, not ours. Their neighbors belong to the same private clubs, and are less likely to be infected with some awful STD or Ebola, or whatever. There is even evidence that poverty is contagious. Being anywhere close to any common, low-life losers, why all the hard-earned fortune inherited from daddy could go up in smoke . . . just like that! Better safe than sorry.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you: To be completely candid, the wealthy are as confused about this one as the rest of us.  How do you give a blow job to a woman?  So basically they ignore it.

Whew!

Thinking all these deep thoughts is giving me a headache.

I'll just cut to the chase.

I can sum up the whole ball of wax by just laying out for you what I consider to be the basic ethic __ the defining value system __ of our ultra-wealthy class of aristocrats. Here is the simple, forthright maxim I believe sums up the world view of the ultra-wealthy. By the way, this is from page 92 of my recent book on taking back our democracy . . .

"It's all mine!  Screw everybody else."

Now, reach deep into your hearts, folks, and tell me you haven't felt exactly this same way at some point in your life.

Your mom has just taken away from you a huge bowl of candy you grabbed from the coffee table. The bowl is full of the white chocolate bonbons and caramel squares she has set out for arriving guests. You want them, like really bad! So you start kicking and screaming and throwing a window-rattling tantrum.

"I want it!  It's all mine!

 

There you have it. Just like rich people.

Granted . . . you were only three years old at the time.

But you know the feeling.



[ This originated at the author's personal web site . . . http://jdrachel.com ]

If Jesus Had Been Packing

 

If Jesus had had a gun, they never would have been able to nail Him to the cross.

Then again . . . would He have refused to use it to defend Himself?

This is a gray area and things get a little confusing. Let's face it, He became a real rock star as a result of the "turn the other cheek" sound bite. On the other hand, Jesus threw quite a temper tantrum and tossed the moneylenders out of the Temple __ physically tossed them out, from what I gather. It was His Steven Seagal moment.

Certainly we can conclude from this, the Guy was no wuss. At the same time, we have no record of Him punching anyone in the face or dropping kicking anyone's family jewels, much less offing them by whatever instruments of slaughter were available at the time.

Yet seeing some big hairy brutes coming at you with massive hammers and nails the size  of a jack handle is definitely going to push some buttons. If He had anything resembling a fight-or-flight reflex, it's not unreasonable to assume that had a handgun been available, He would have emptied a few rounds into his beefy assailants and made for the hills.

What kind of weapons would Our Savior have been packing, assuming all options were    on the table? Hard to say with any certainty. But He wasn't much for mincing words. So it seems reasonable to assume He would not have made some lame choice when it came to arming Himself. I'm no expert so I'm just guessing here. But I surmise He would have had the nice and punchy Sig Sauer P228 within easy reach __ strapped to His thigh under His robes __ and had a kick-ass semi-automatic assault weapon slung over His shoulder. This would've given Him both the solace of being able to mount a quick response and the necessary firepower in case He needed to spray some serious lead around.

What kind of assault weapon would have been the Savior of Mankind's first choice. The popularity of the Bushmaster AR-15 certainly makes it the obvious frontrunner. But I personally think he would have gone with the Israeli IMI Tavor TAR-21. After all, Jesus was a Jew and there's got to be some basic loyalty at work. But practically speaking, the IMI Tavor TAR-21 is one sweet killing machine. It's compact, relatively light and great at close and medium range. Those Romans getting ready to nail the Big Guy to the cross wouldn't have stood a chance. Blam! Blam! Blam! Bye-bye, motherfuckers!

How about munitions?

Being generally disposed in His preaching to encourage His devoted flock to always show compassion, I think He would have chosen standard issue bullets and only considered using hollow-points as a last resort.

The most important thing to appreciate when thinking about Jesus Christ packing any kind of weaponry is the powerful message it sends. After all, who could possibly take seriously the word of a man who isn't willing to stand up for what he believes in? Who won't stand strong in the face of opposition. Who lets himself be bullied and threatened. Who isn't man enough to look some smart aleck punk Roman soldier in the eye and say, "Make my day!"

I'm certainly not saying Jesus would have gone around and indiscriminately brandished His weapons of choice every time He got in a fix. Being the Prince of Peace, He would have been the last to lock and load. But that's the beauty of guns. You don't have to use them to make your point or at least to let others know you're not going down without a fight.

All I'm saying is that if Jesus had been packing that day they crucified Him, those Roman thugs would have had second thoughts about nailing Him up like a raggedy ann door prize at the county fair. He wouldn't have died for our sins and . . .

Uh-oh.

We'd all go to Hell.

Hmm . . .

That would be bad.


[ This originated at the author's personal web site . . . http://jdrachel.com ]