The Hands-Down Ultimate Super-Bowl of Showdowns!

 

Hey, fight fans.

Here it is! 

The one you've been waiting for.

It's going to be the battle of the ages!

Nothing like this has ever occurred in the history of the world.

Yes, folks . . . it's a showdown that will reverberate till the end of time!

No, they'll never stop talking about this head-to-head clash of the greatest titans EVER!

Are you ready to rumble?!! 

Have you got your seat belts fastened?

Are you wearing your rubber diapers?

In this corner, coming off two decades of undefeated combat with environmentalists and eco-scientists, teary-eyed tree huggers, Al Gore, and other addled acolytes of Gaia . . .

CLIMATE CHANGE!

And its opponent, veteran of decades of terror struck into the hearts of citizens across the globe, a warrior whose very name brings vision of untold desolation and suffering . . .

NUCLEAR WAR!

Which one will leave the battle, its opponent curled up and writhing on the edge of death, humiliated, beaten, savaged by the overwhelming power and cunning of the competition?

Remember . . . This is a fight to the death!

 

What's at stake?  Ha!  This is not some girlie-boy contest, a phony reality show, another froofy sport like hot-oil wading pool arm wrestling, three-legged gymnastics team dancing, or naked Ken and Barbie ping pong.

This is serious business, lades and gentlemen!  As in . . . DEAD SERIOUS!

Only one of these ferocious fighters will lay claim to the ULTIMATE TITLE, and be able to say with the blood lust pride of a true warrior, a barbarian who embraces no moderation, a heartless amoral killer who knows no rules, feels no compassion, and has no conscience: 

"It was I who destroyed the human race!"

Will it be Climate Change turning the Earth into an uninhabitable pile of dust, dead fields of dried withered stalks, rotting corpses, extinct species, desiccating trees and shrubs -- a barren wasteland where cockroaches frantically run wild looking for something to eat?

Or will it be Nuclear War turning the Earth into a radioactive pile of dust, dead fields of dried withered stalks, rotting corpses, extinct species, desiccating trees and shrubs -- a barren wasteland where cockroaches frantically run wild looking for something to eat?

OH YEAH, BABY!  This is going to be truly awesome!

So stay tuned, folks.  Watch this battle AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!

And remember.  You can only get it here, exclusively on . . .

The Apocalypse Channel!




[ This originated at the author's personal website . . . http://jdrachel.com ]


The Hands-Down Ultimate Super-Bowl of Showdowns!

Press Release: National Council on Political Correctness

We are overjoyed at our recent success in getting Adventures of Huckleberry Finn banned from a Philadelphia school district. This overrated piece of racist trash by the self-indulgent literary hack, Mark Twain, deserves to be consigned to lining the bottom of a bird cage.

However, we are now privy to additional previously undetected attempts to subvert all of us, particularly the youth of this country, actually recruiting them while they're young and impressionable into the ways of "gay sex" -- though to be quite honest about it we can't figure out how persons of the same gender rubbing their private parts together is in any way joyful.

Look at any biology book. What is the human species called?  Homo sapiens!  Well we really need to ask:  If we're HOMO sapiens, how did there get to be more than 7 billion of us?  The council recently recommended that this term be replaced with hetero sapiens -- as God intended it.

There are related sneak attacks.  How about 'HOMOgeneous'?  Right!  They slipped that in when we weren't looking!  The council is now deciding whether to replace this hideous bit of deviant brainwashing with either 'sameogenous' or 'uniformogeneous'.

It's not just in the classroom that our children are being seduced into the evil cults of buggery and carpet munching.

What do they drink every day during lunch?  HOMOgenized milk!  Can you believe this? These perverts will stop at nothing!  The council recommends replacing this phrase on all labels with the pleasant-sounding and benign 'blendogenized milk'.

This conspiracy has spread like a silent disease through our whole culture.  What about the word 'ANALysis'?  Pretty clever, eh?  The council is in the process of replacing this hideous subversion of God's perfect plan for proper sexual behavior.  Leading the alternative terms currently under consideration are 'examinalysis' and 'cogitalysis'.  We'll keep you posted.

Here's one for the books.  This bit of slime nearly got by us.  What are apartment units which are sold for personal ownership called?  CONDOMiniums!  Can you believe it?

Granted, it's pretty clever.  Now personally, I'm for these fudgepackers covering their junk however they can -- never know who's standing next to you taking a wiz in the public john -- but I sure as heck don't want to be reminded of the sick shenanigans that goes on using these love gloves every time I drive down the street.  Now every time I see one of "those" buildings, I can only picture rooms brimming with gallons of sperm.

There are countless other examples we could share.  This press release, specifically timed for the most sacred holiday season of the year, is just to let all you good, God-fearing folks out there that we are, and certainly will continue to be, on the job stamping out decadence and perversion -- particularly this new trend of "same sex" coupling -- wherever we find it.

Remember . . . PC doesn't just mean Politically Correct.  It also stands for Personal Christ!
God bless you and God bless America!



[ This originated at the author's personal website . . . http://jdrachel.com ]

Press Release: National Council on Political Correctness

Online Interview: “Blinders Keepers”

 

I just completed an online interview in support of my recently published novel, "Blinders Keepers".

I have a set policy for these kinds of situations. Keeping in mind that you never have a second chance to make a first impression, I always give it my best shot and reply from purest chambers of my soul. Honesty is the best policy, even at the expense of clarity.

Understandably, this approach has caused a degree of awkwardness, sometimes outright shame __ which will undoubtedly tarnish my family name for generations. Having said that, this one particular interview I thought came off with uncharacteristic nuance and gravity, as I wrestled with matters of conscience and avoided my usual preoccupations with puerile pre-adolescent piffle. The author site is called The Thursday Interview. Here are their thought-provoking questions and my self-serving but entirely heartfelt responses:

Question #1: “Would you break the law to save a loved one? … why?”

The laws of the land in theory are a reflection of the values and the ethical priorities of a society. Therefore, when they are at odds, moral law trumps the legal system. Whether to save a “loved one” is a moral decision. Do they want to be saved? Is the person worth saving? Maybe the person __ though you love them dearly __ has a habit of kidnapping children, grinding them up and eating them. Saving them, legal or not, wouldn’t be such a good idea, eh? Perhaps the person is dying of cancer and in great pain. I can imagine violating the laws against assisted suicide to “save” such a person by helping them die. This is an instance where certain well-intended but antiquated laws do not work. A person may not wish to be kept alive just to suffer pain and humiliation, so why should the law protect them from the choice of dying? Or during the Vietnam War, when persons were violating the draft law to save themselves. They didn’t want to die in an illegal immoral war, so they saved themselves by defying the law. Morality trumps legislation. Which adds up to this: People need to choose their legislators carefully, but even more importantly be perfectly clear about their own moral beliefs.

Question #2: “What is the difference between being alive and truly living?”

Being alive we all share with bacteria and mushrooms. Truly living is riding in the rear seat on Disneyland’s Space Mountain while eating a hot fudge sundae and having a person you love beside you singing “Gangnam Style” in your ear. Do you see the difference?

Question #3: “What motivates you to write?”

I sign all of my email “Scribo ergo sum.” I know I know. It sounds pretentious. But in its own grandiose and affected way, it sums up what all actions in life are about. We each claim identity by doing. We are because we act. What we choose to do then gives shape and meaning to what would just be sacks of protoplasm moving randomly through space.

Question #4: “Why do human's want children?”

Humans are programmed by the biological necessity of propagating the species to mate and spit out likenesses of themselves. This also feeds their self-esteem, since most people fail at achieving their dreams and in fact are not good at anything. They can point at junior and say proudly, “By golly, I made that!” No rational person not in the insidious clutches of the biological imperative to reproduce would have children. As babies, children smell bad and trick you into loving them by making nonsensical but endearing sounds. Then when they turn 16, they wreck the car and send your auto insurance rates through the roof.

Question #5: “What was the biggest challenge in creating your book Blinders Keepers?”

Blinders Keepers resulted from a suggestion made by a movie exec type, who really liked my previous novels, 11-11-11 and 12-12-12. This person suggested I try to come up with a screenplay. Of course, those books are twisted and highly multilayered. The movie would have been 18 hours long and a bore. So I got to work. I combined the stories, chopped the plotline to the bare bone, and wrote a screenplay. THAT was the the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. Writing a screenplay is as different as badminton and baseball. Anyway, after I tore all of my hair out, bit my nails down to the first knuckle, and threw all of my furniture through the window of my study, I finished the script. Then I wrote the book. Foolishly, I thought converting the screenplay into a book would be a walk in the park. It was __ Jurassic Park! But I got it done and now I am seriously thinking about making a baby. They’re so cute! And I figure if my book and screenplay don’t sell, I can point at junior and say, “By golly, I made that!”

Question #6: “What's the most important thing you've learned in life so far?"

Sunblock doesn’t help when you fall into a vat of molten iron. But the most important bit of advice I’ve ever received is actually tattooed on the inside of my rib cage. I haven't a clue how it got there. I had elective arthroscopic surgery to pin stripe my pancreas a couple years ago and the surgeon told me that written on my abdominal lining is the following: “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth without headgear.” I think that’s Aristotle.

Question #7: “How did you come up with the title Blinders Keepers?”

I had quite a list of commercial titles going. Among those which I thought would really sell were The Bible, Eat Pray Love, Shades of Grey, and The Da Vinci Code. Then I found out those titles were already bestsellers and decided that people would think it was a cheap trick to use them. So one day I was playing around with words and phrases, and I recalled that singsong thing we used to say as kids when we found something, “Finders keepers, losers weepers!” It morphed into Blinders Keepers, because my book is about people going through life with blinders on and refusing to acknowledge the realities around them. One of my bylines for the book is: “Blinders Keepers, the blind leading the blind and the rest of us directing them to the nearest cliff.” The blind are, of course, the clueless political fools we currently look to for ideas and leadership.

Question #8: “How do you handle personal criticism?”

No one has ever criticized me because I’m perfect. I realize that my answer to this has to be 30 words minimum. How am I doing? Only 28? How about now?

Question #9: Why should people read your book?”

I never said people should read my book. They should BUY my book. If they then actually bother to read it and have a highly developed sense of humor (i. e. an appreciation for wit, as opposed to slapstick and fart jokes), relish sophisticated satire, are aware of the Code Blue state of America, are concerned but calm enough to lean back a little and look at the big picture, they will have an enjoyable read. It's not for everyone. Blinders Keepers is dark, tastefully demented satire, an occasionally giddy spoof on current events and the kind of people who perpetuate the ongoing comedy of errors. It's my way of entering the national dialogue and sharing what I think is a unique perspective. I believe that when life becomes unbearable, you can either laugh or cry. To appreciate what’s possible and snatch hope from the jaws of despair, I think we need to laugh. That’s all I’m offering with this novel, the chance for a good belly laugh in the midst of chaos and collapse.

Question #10: “Why is there something rather than nothing?”

Are you talking about my something ... or your something? My something is everything. Your something is nothing. But you probably think your something is everything and my something is nothing. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this __ even though I’m right.


[ This originated at the author's personal web site . . . http://jdrachel.com ]