In
a surprise move that caught just about everyone flat-footed, President
Donald Trump by executive order today made Russian the official language
of the United States of America.
Trump
came out of the box swinging. When a reporter yelled out a question to
him on the 7th hole at the Trump International Golf Course, the
president appeared very excited and wasn't going to take any crap from
anyone about his controversial decision.
"I
promised jobs, didn't I? Well, we've got a helluva lot of signs to
replace. Also a lot of smart phones. The Russian alphabet is in . . .
uh . . . acrylic. It's a whole different deal from our alphabet. A
whole different deal! But I tell ya, it's great! Really really great!
Gotta say, I can't wait to start Tweeting in Russian!"
Of
course, this announcement comes on the heels -- just 48 hours -- of
another truly extraordinary development, that of Trump's replacement of
Nikki Haley with Alex Jones as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations.
With
the efficiency that is becoming the hallmark of this administration,
the transition was quick. Literally the following day, Ambassador Jones
was seen sitting at a U.N. Security Council session with bottles of his
highly-acclaimed Caveman nutritional supplement lined up in front of
him, as he read a new U.S.-sponsored resolution proposing that UNESCO,
under the auspices of NATO, administer Crimea as a newly-founded leper
colony.
Right
after Trump signed the executive order mandating the change in the
U.S.'s official language, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was
interviewed at a charter school volley ball meet she was attending in
the Hamptons: "Well, it's a challenge. But we're making America great
again. So we've got a handle on it. Some of my best friends are
Russian. And hey! Have you ever had a Black Russian? Come on! Don't
give me that look! I'm not talking about sex. I mean the drink. It's
vodka and Kahlúa. Yum yum!" Asked about how this might impact her
plans for retooling America's educational institutions, she replied:
"Obviously we need some native speakers fluent in Russian. But we're on
top of it. I was online just this morning and personally hired over forty excellent teachers, so no worries. I'd say we've got this covered."
Among
pundits, Rachel Maddow was first in line to lambast Trump's
game-changing maneuver. She called it a cheap Soviet-style stunt to
sabotage the important work of Congress. Under the strict guidelines
established by the directive, from now on, all of the business of
government -- including any calls for Trump's impeachment -- must be
conducted in America's new official language. Maddow looked into the
camera and seething with contempt said, "He knows no one up on Capitol
Hill knows any Russian. He and his KGB buddy Putin are behind this
treachery . . . having a big laugh at the expense of the American
people."
Unfortunately,
no one understood a word of her acrimonious rant. Since Trump's order
was already in effect, her entire show was overdubbed in Russian. No
English sub-titles were made available.
What really prompted Trump's bold, unprecedented move?
Of course, there's much speculation. Hillary Clinton along with the DNC leadership posed under a huge banner that said: See? We Told You So! Because it wasn't in Russian, they were promptly arrested and are now awaiting arraignment.
Perhaps
more reliably, an unnamed source from within the president's most
private circles at Mar-a-Lago -- rumor has it that it's an
African-American maid named Jemima -- stated that Ivanka Trump had just
received a Matryoshka doll from a friend in Russia and was carrying on
about the gift: "Oh daddy! Isn't this just adorable? I love
everything about Russia!" President Trump reportedly then smiled, and
looking dreamily at her breasts, proudly patted her on the butt and
said: "That's my girl!"
We thus conclude that as with the cruise missile attack on the Al Shayrat air base in Syria,
Trump will do anything to keep his daughter happy. Having everyone in
this great nation of ours speaking Russian from now on was just his gift
to his precious little daughter.
Ivanka is a Russian name, isn't it?
[ This originated at the author's personal website . . .
http://jdrachel.com ]
Trump Makes Russian the Official Language of the U.S.
